“Surround yourself with people who add value to your life, who challenge you to be greater than you were yesterday, who sprinkle magic into your existence, just like you do to theirs. Life isn’t to be done alone. Find your tribe – and journey freely and loyally together.” – Alex Elle

Friendships are at the center of most of our lives. Just as there are numerous songs, movies and TV shows that revolve around romantic love and relationships, there are just as many that involve the other type of powerful love – the one that stems from our friendships. Some of the most iconic sounds and sights in pop-culture are about friendships, community and this idea of a “tribe.” The Beatles got it right when they wrote “With a Little Help from My Friends.”

Studies have shown that adults with close, long-term friendships have a better quality of life than those without them. Friendships have been found to enhance mood along with emotional and physical wellbeing. When we encounter life challenges, our friends are the ones we reach out to for comfort and support. These strong friendly ties are key to our continued growth and overall health.

This year alone, several of members of my personal tribe have faced major crises and several have encountered new beginnings. From the devastation of divorce and illness to the trials and tribulations of having a child, my tribe is going through it all. It’s important to me that I am there to support whatever their experience in the same way that they would mine. However, sometimes we find ourselves “getting lost” or feeling as though we can’t relate, which can make us wonder, “what is it that I have to offer?”

When I work with my clients, there are many times where I may have not experienced the exact event that they are going through, but more often than not I have experienced a similar emotion or sensation. Whether it be feeling helpless, hopeless, scared, anxious, excited, or alone, I am able to connect to that feeling, which allows me to guide them towards healing.

Whether you’ve been through it or not, it is critical to note that you are enough. With that said, here are the 3 things I do to support those around me both personally and professionally.

Hold Space

Holding space is a concept I heard a lot about throughout my yoga therapy education, but never understood it until I felt it. So, let’s break it down. When we hold something, we are supporting and preserving it. We maintain that thing’s original form, without changing or damaging its shape or allowing it to fall. The word “space” implies an expanse, a capacity and a sense of freedom. A space is a place where things can happen and a place where something can grow or unfold. Together, “holding space” is to create and maintain a place where things can exist, expand and grow in whatever way they are meant.

When you hold space for your loved ones, you are allowing them the chance to feel safe and supported in being exactly what they are, where they are and allowing whatever comes, to simply be experienced without judgement. When we hold space, it is important to note that we are not there to change, fix, or impose our own bias on the experience. Instead, we are preserving the experience, its existence in the present moment.

Pay Attention

Just like in meditation, it’s critical that while we are holding space, we take the time to pay attention and observe whatever it is that is showing up. When our friends call with a problem, a predicament or to simply share an experience, it is natural for us to want to give our advice, opinion, or share what we did in a similar situation. Remember, not everyone is searching for guidance. Sometimes, the search is to simply be heard.

Things to lookout for:

  • What is my friend saying or (maybe even more so) what are they NOT saying?
  • How are they saying it?
  • What is their body language saying?

In order to properly support anyone, we must be tapped into their experience. This means not only hearing what that person is saying, but rather working to truly understand their message.

Gentle Guidance

Offering the right kind of help takes practice. Remember, not everyone is looking for advice. When we take away decision-making power, we can leave our loved ones feeling useless and incompetent. However, with careful attention, we are able to recognize the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and from there can invite in the right kind of help, the kind that leaves out judgement and shame. When people are learning, growing, or moving through a transition, it is only natural to make some mistakes along the way. Gently guiding people to trust their inner wisdom and intuition can build confidence and increase self-awareness. Additionally, offering words of reassurance can help remind your loved ones that the idea of “failure” is simply a part of the journey and not the end.