Lately, I have been working on shifting my relationship with attachment. Coincidentally (or not!), my clients and close mentees have also brought this up as something they want to focus on. So, we have gathered to ride this wave together. In this blog, I share about my relationship with some of my current fears and worries. If you’re experiencing something similar, please know that you’re not alone. I also provide a meditation to help you find a little bit of warmth and space on a dark day.
I’m having the hardest time chilling out. It’s probably because if you watch the news, have a smartphone or access to the internet, you can’t deny the amount of chaos happening in the world. Times are stressful and worrisome including:
- Climate change
- Family separation at the U.S./Mexico Border
- High profile suicides
- Supreme Court changes that are sure to impact women’s health laws
- Mass refugee crisis
Pain seems to be all around us. Aside from climate change – which has been progressively worsening – it’s hard to know if there is more distress than before OR if it just feels closer thanks to our 24/7 news cycle. Either way, the increased attention on these unsettling circumstances is strengthening our relationships to fear and worry. This also explains why the number of people I see for generalized stress and anxiety has ramped up.
And on top of all this, most of us also have our own load of distress in our personal lives. Whether we’re struggling with our own mental health, addiction, crisis, or that of a friend or relative, it’s hard to deny the pain and need for healing.
This month, someone close to me has been battling substance abuse. If you’ve been in this situation, you know how heavy it is. If you’re going through this as well, you can probably relate to my feelings of:
- Fear
- Doubt
- Sadness
- Shame
- Low-grade guilt for holding true to my boundaries – walking that fine line between support and enablement
I’m also brought back to the same feelings of heaviness that I experienced growing up (a story I’ll save for another blog). So not only are these feelings very hard to sit with, but they also open old wounds, some that may never fully heal.
When surrounded by chaos, uncertainty or a loss of control, we feel disempowered and helpless. And if these feelings have come up before in your past, it can be harder to dis-identify from these feelings and see them as separate from yourself. Instead, we find ourselves slipping down the rabbit hole of depression and fear as part of a habit of response.
The point of this blog isn’t to “cheer you up” or say “look on the bright side.” That’s not realistic and I also find it minimizes our healing and need to feel and observe everything – the joy and the fear. The goal is to help you, and me, find small moments to detach from anger and grief and connect with joy.
This goes back to our rule of “little and often” – finding small moments to make gentle shifts to get us through the tough times, the triggers, and the stress.
The truth is, is that there is always some, if not lots, of joy around us all the time. The common struggle is; how do you carve a little space of loving, calming, joyful power in this midst of chaos?
Meditation and breath are not only powerful tools for relaxation, but they are also powerful in helping us re-create memories and embrace experiences. Getting back to these memories helps reduce our stress and builds up our emotional resilience, especially when we’re anxious about the future of our family, friends or world.
Here is the meditation that uses a lot of breath work and visualization. This has been my go-to practice to help manage my stress and reduce my anxiety and lately I have been sharing this with those around me. This meditation has 3 parts: 1) Set up, 2) Breath, and 3) Visualization.
Meditation to hold joy and fear at the same time
Set up
- Commit to creating space for yourself. We need to find time to disassociate from the world around us and the overwhelming sensations and feelings that are showing up. As we create this space, we find silence and meditate.
- Set a timer for 7 minutes.
- Find a comfortable seated position. Close your eyes. Begin your normal breathing pattern.
- What are you feeling? Notice your feelings. Acknowledge and label what is there. Do you feel angry, scared, sad? If you do, label it and identify where in your body you feel it (chest, hips, jaw, head, etc.). Get very clear on your emotions so you can begin to create a little distance from them.
Focus on your breath
- Tap into your breath – Breath deeply and slowly, in your nose and out of your nose.
- Visualize your breath – Picture your breath as a color. What color is it? Is it one color or multiple colors? Notice how it might change color as your mood changes. What color(s) do you gravitate towards?
- See the breath as that color and watch as it moves in through both nostrils and out through both nostrils.
- Now see that same color come in and out of one nostril at a time – first in through the left, then out through the right; then in through the right, and out through the left.
Time for visualization
Choose a memory: Think of a place or time that reminds you of joy. Maybe it’s a loved one, a great vacation or an object. Bring to mind a time that you experienced pure joy. Get very detailed about your memory. What are you seeing, smelling, feeling, hearing and tasting? Are you alone or with someone? The details are critical and will help you make the mind-body connection. For me, I go back to my honeymoon in Italy. I can hear the ocean waves outside our room, feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, and smell the salt in the air. It was my last real vacation and one where I felt full of love and life.
Connect with the qualities of joy: With that thing in mind, tap into the quality of joy that you’ve felt. What are the sensations? Is it warmth and lightness? Do you feel big or small? Where in your body do you feel it? With these memories and feelings, remember that you are part of something bigger than even the events of today and those in your life.
My honeymoon in Italy was full of comfort and peace. I felt so light when I was there. We couldn’t use our phones so we rarely even knew what was going on in the world. In that space, we connected with each other and the culture around us. We tasted new foods and immersed ourselves in a place and with people outside of our routine.
Hold both the anger and the joy at the same tie: With all of the details of this joyful memory in mind, start to bring in your feelings from earlier. Hold onto the joy, warmth, and lightness as you work towards the anger, fear or shame. What does it feel like to acknowledge both senses?
Breathe in the anger, and out the joy. Then breath in the joy and out the anger. To recognize that you are holding both allows you to understand that you have both. In that, we are not limited to one and are not attaching to one.
In life, there is always more than one thing happening at a time. Our lives are never 100% joyful or 100% fearful. We are always balancing both feelings and thoughts. It is our choice as to what we hold onto the closest.
When we get sucked into the tornado of fear, we forget about the part of us that is always at peace. This part is simply the watcher and observer of life. If we can connect with that side of ourselves, it will remind us that we hold power and significance and we are part of something great.
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